As some of y’all know, I started a new job yesterday. And it’s going well, despite the fact that it has NOTHING to do with photography or journalism.

I’m super excited to get into the nitty gritty when I am done training, but I need y’alls help. In a HUGE way.

You see… my wardrobe is one of a photographer who had to be mobile in all kinds of weather conditions throughout the entire year. My clothes are functional, not necessarily stylish or cute. Because, hello! Standing outside in the Mississippi summer heat in something cute? Is miserable.

So, I have a proposition.

Recommend some cute work clothes for me. Nothing too casual, but nothing too fancy. Anything that looks like it could be functional in an office setting. And anything you think fits my personality.

… I need some major help with my personal style, and I know I can count on y’all for some killer suggestions.

Also, while you’re at it, recommend some of your favorite music! Because I can listen to my iPod while working, and I need some new tunes to get me through the work day.

OK… go!

                          

A year and eight months ago, I moved to small town Mississippi with no idea of what I was getting myself into. I knew I was going to be a photojournalist. I knew I was going to have a crazy schedule. I knew I was going to work holidays.

But I didn’t know a lot of things.

I didn’t know what it felt like to work a 16-hour day. (And then to be so proud of everything I accomplished in that day that the hours and exhaustion didn’t matter.)

I didn’t know what it was like to cover a fire, a wreck, a funeral, a murder, etc. (I wish I didn’t know what those were like, especially the last two.)

I didn’t know how much my co-workers would affect me. I didn’t know how much my photography subjects would also affect me. And I didn’t know how people would come to know me as the “photo girl” and would constantly speak to me, whether I was on assignment or simply buying groceries on my time off.

I didn’t know how sad/excited I would be to leave for other opportunities.

…

Yesterday was my last day at work, and it was weird. Weird because everything I did was the last time. Weird because I only received two hugs. Weird because my boss ran out to do something and didn’t tell me goodbye. Weird because I’m never going back.

Don’t get me wrong: I am over the MOON about starting anew in Nashville in TWO DAYS (!!!!!), but for now, reminiscing about my overall work experience and my final day is strange.

I have completed my first “big girl” job. The entire experience, the good and the bad, is behind me. I’m moving to a bigger city. I’m going to be able to spend time with my love and call my own shots now. But you better believe I’m taking the lessons learned here with me.

And for now, that is more than enough.

                          

I spent a good six and a half hours in the car today, traveling from Tennessee to my little town in the rain.

I spent a lot of that time thinking. Thinking about the past, thinking about the future, thinking about beginnings and endings and excitement and scariness.

It’s hard to believe that it is December. December. Where has the year gone? What have we done? When we look back at this year, what have we learned? What would we have done differently?

I think back on this past year and know my experiences have led me to the place I stand tonight. I know so much more about myself, as a person and as a photographer, than I did in January. And I’ve gained some valuable experience during the past year and a half in my little town. But it’s December. It’s past time for a change, and I am moving on to a new town.

In two weeks, this girl will be moving herself to Nashville to start a career in freelance photography. I have the skills. I have the contacts. I just need to jump and dive in. Because life is too short for me to bide my time in a place where I can no longer grow.

I’m spreading my wings, friends, and I cannot wait for my new town, the new experiences I will have there and the old (and new!) friends I will get to see.

I simply cannot wait.

It’s December, and I am finally taking my leap of faith.

What are you doing this month?

                          

Today started off relatively early. It was going to be a busy day, and I was flying solo.

Everything went well until I parked my car on a one-way street this afternoon. I gathered my equipment, conveniently placed on the seat next to me, and prepared to walk a block or so for my assignment.

All was fine and dandy until I realized the man parked directly in front of me was throwing his truck in reverse, not looking and hitting the gas HARD.

I laid on the horn, but it was no use. My car shook after the impact. And then, the man did the most audacious thing someone could do in that situation…

I threw up my hands and scrambled out of the car as that man drove away, clearly not worried about the state of my car or my state of mind after ramming his ancient Chevy into the front end of Felicity, my Honda.

All I can do now is shake my head. But knowing my luck, the bumper will fall off within a week. And I didn’t think fast enough or clearly enough to write down the man’s license number to report him.

Argh.

What has aggravated you today?

                          

I have always been a fan of autumn. I love being able to break out my winter clothing for the first time. I love the feel of a cool breeze on my face whenever I’m outdoors. I love wearing my boots with jeans and not looking absolutely ridiculous or suffocating because it’s so damn hot.

With my job, I spent a lot of time outside. On the sidelines. You name the sport, I’ve been there, and whenever the fall rolls around, everyone around these parts prepares for football season. These preparations include getting your team colors (purple and gold!) ready and potentially buying a new gameday outfit, filling your trusty cooler with ice and beer (or any other kind of beverage you’d rather) and planning a tailgate with your closest friends. And I love football season, whether I’m in the stadium as a fan or on the sidelines.

Football season started a few weeks ago, and it appeared to be ushering in the fall. The night of the first game was crisp after the thunderstorms rolled through. We got excited, thinking this was it. This was the change in season we all had been waiting for.

The excitement was short-lived.

It has been raining, off and on, for the past week. The temperatures have skyrocketed. It has NOT cooled down one bit. And shooting football has become miserable because of this. (The sad thing is it is normally SO MUCH FUN.)

Yesterday was gameday at a local college, and I spent two and a half hours on the sidelines. I LOVE this part of my job. But yesterday? It was in the high-80s, and the humidity was around 100-percent. As the first half wore on, I became more and more sluggish. And when the sun peeked out from behind the clouds? I wanted to pass out. So when halftime rolled around, I drank three bottles of water and hightailed it  back to my car on shaky legs with a 50 lb. backpack on my shoulders before driving to the office for two hours of editing.

By the time I finished, I was completely drained. In fact, I spent the rest of the evening lying on the couch and drinking water.

You’re NOT supposed to feel this way after a game.

And this is NOT football weather.

It’s not supposed to feel miserable. The wind is supposed to be blowing. The weather is supposed to be cooler. And I’m supposed to look cute and not flustered after standing outdoors for a few hours.

Summer still has its grasp on the South, and, I hope it loosens its grip soon. Or immediately. You know, so I don’t melt into a puddle on the sidelines this Friday.

Does it feel like fall where you live? And if it does, can you send that weather down here? I’ll totally trade you!

                          

You know when you feel like things in your life are falling apart?

That’s how I feel right now.

I think I know what brought it on, and I am NOT happy about this development. I’m fighting, but it is so hard to feel productive and positive when negativity is continually directed at you.

Yes, I know I’m probably being dramatic here, but honestly? I think this was a long time coming. And as much as I am fighting this, it is so challenging NOT to be dragged down.

Things in my personal life are shaky. While I have a lot going for me, it doesn’t overshadow the fact that I’m losing friends. I never expected this, but it has been made clear through the actions of others. And, honestly, what can you do once someone has written you off? (Answer: You turn to your wonderful boyfriend, puppy dog, remaining friends and family and dwell, dwell, dwell until you figure out what to do, which is nothing because you don’t know how to touch this with a ten-foot pole.)

I know it could be a lot worse. I know I still have a lot of people who care about me and want the best for me. But it effing HURTS to lose someone, folks. And if you’ve never experienced that, I am truly envious.

Things at work? They’ve been better, and it is no one’s fault but my own. I’m struggling with creativity and turning exciting work. (Try shooting a football game when you don’t feel good about your skills. It’s really encouraging and fun, especially since a lot of sports work is luck, and you clearly don’t have much of it.) I’ve been doubting my abilities, and that is so aggravating because I DO GOOD WORK, AND I AM A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER.

I struggled with this in college, always around the end-of-semester critiques, and I thought I had overcome it. I hadn’t felt so down and out about my creativity in a long time. And then I got an e-mail this week, and everything changed.

I believe we all go through losses and struggles in life. We all come to a point in our lives, and we have to decide what is and isn’t worth our attention, though I never considered friendship something that could be tossed aside easily. And every once in a while, we have to doubt what we do to challenge ourselves and can find new strength and creativity in the realization.

I know it’s just a funk. I know it has to get better. And I hope it passes soon because I cannot deal with anything else falling apart on me.

                          

A lot has happened since I last posted here.

I went to a wedding in Indiana. It was amazing. The weekend was full of love, and I want to get married. (Duh.)

I spent days and nights at work, but things have not been crazy recently. I’m taking solace in the calm before the storm. Football season starts TOMORROW. (Insert crazy face and screams and pompoms and dancing mascots here.) Consequently, my life will become more hectic.

I visited my boyfriend and his family in Louisiana this weekend. (My weekend — Sunday night to Tuesday morning.) I don’t know if I’ve said it here before, but I absolutely ADORE his family (and him, too!) Lucy came along for the ride this time, and she made things interesting by barking at the boy’s mother whenever she saw her and terrorizing small animals in the backyard. All in all, it was a good time. And I kind of want to go back now.

Living arrangements fell through, and I’m currently moving my belongings into a little bungalow in an older neighborhood in my town. We spent until MIDNIGHT last night to get most all of my furniture into the home. There’s more left at the old apartment, though, and I wonder how I will fit it all in here. But I can already tell I’m going to love this place, even if there isn’t a washer or dryer or a dishwasher.

So I’m moving forward, friends. Slowly and surely. I’m in transit (and fighting with the wireless Comcast Internet that just doesn’t want to work for me.) So bear with me while I straighten everything out. I shouldn’t take too long.

What’s new with you?

                          

It all started with a check. A sizable check from a bride-to-be whose wedding I’m documenting. I happily deposited it into my account yesterday morning and was ecstatic to learn it would be in my account this morning.

Sure enough, it was there.

I went along on my way, running errands and squaring away everything before driving to work, where I immediately decided it was time to purchase my new camera body.

After a lot of “oohing” and “aahing,” and a discussion about insurance plans, MB held my hand as I clicked the ‘Purchase’ button on the Web site. I exhaled.

I edited a few photos, I answered some e-mails, and then, just as I was about to waltz out the door to my next assignment, I was hit by a wave of doubt.

… Was it necessary to almost clean out my savings account for the new camera?

… Did I really need the new camera? (After a long while, I decided that yes, I need it to advance my career.)

And then more doubts and questions started rolling in.

… What happens if I get laid off in two weeks?

… What if I get an awesome job and can move to a bigger city?

… How in the world COULD I move anytime soon? I have so much to do!

… What if I don’t get a job?

… Should I still move, even if I don’t have an employer?

… Where will I live?

… What will I do if I cannot feed myself or Lucy?

… What IN THE WORLD have I gotten myself into?

It spiraled out of control, and I took a good fifteen minutes to sit and BREATHE in the air conditioning of my car before photographing my assignment.

I’ve always been the one with a plan. I went to my college because I got an awesome deal on the education (AND the football team was top-notch, too.) I was going to be a graphic designer, but that fell through. I accidentally fell into photography, then PJ, and I have pursued that for the past four years. I landed not one, but two jobs before graduation and had my choice between two papers. I weighed the options, and here I am, a year later, freaking out about my future.

But this little breakdown? It’s been a long time coming.

I sometimes wonder if I’m living the way I need to be. I’ve planned everything out to this point so much that I wonder what I have missed and what is currently passing me by without my knowledge.

I live in a small town. I don’t have many friends, and the few from outside work have even more screwed up schedules than I do. I spend a lot of my time hanging out with my dog in my apartment, which is fine and dandy, but I want to be able to be social (outside of work) every once in a while. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends without worrying about one of our schedules canceling the outing or fearing she won’t call me back because of work.

I work a job that I thoroughly enjoy most of the time — something that I realize is a gift because many people work at jobs they loathe — but I’m ready for some different scenery. This has been a great starting place for me, but I want to be able to move to a bigger place and pursue my career and some ongoing projects.

Which leads right back to the today.

I know where I want to be in the long-run. I know what I want to be doing. But right now, I don’t have any means of getting there, and that is driving me crazy.

So what’s the plan?

Having faith and trusting that what is meant to be will work out. Applying for some more jobs. Attempting to spend time with my friends here despite our work schedules. Appreciating the time I have left in this little town, no matter how short or long it turns out to be. And taking deep, soothing breaths whenever I feel those doubts sneaking up again.

                          

Last Thursday, I awoke from one of the strangest dreams I had in a while.

(For the record, I totally blame this dream on me re-reading the second Southern Vampire series book in celebration of True Blood’s new season, and then waking up to think aboutcutlines and how ones from the previous day could potentially be incorrect because of twins.)

I was playing baseball with some players on a local team. And Miley Cyrus. (Y’all know I am NOT a baseball fan, or really a Miley fan, either.) It was cloudy outside, and I was happily playing first base. It was just like the good ‘ol days, minus the fancy pants baseball players who actually knew what they were doing.

The sun started to peek its way out from the clouds, and I was grabbed by two players and dragged into a shed. There, they explained I was now a vampire, and I couldn’t go out in the sunshine. I had questions about what happened, and they had no clue, but they were vampires as well, and we had to stay in the shed until the sun went back behind the clouds or it was night. They also mentioned thatMiley was also a vampire. She didn’t come into the shed, and we heard her screaming from the field minutes later.

So what did these two guys and I do? Get your minds out of the gutter, folks. We chatted. About life, about my fear of baseballs, about everything. Then, one of them looked me in the eye and told me I needed to get laid. Umm, what?! I shrugged it off awkwardly and asked about my boy. They didn’t have any information, so I decided to brave the elements to find him.

The last scene of my dream was one of the guys saying, “No, E.P!” and then I woke up.

What’s up with that, folks?

As someone who lives by herself in a small town, I read a lot of books and watch a lot of television. Are they influencing me too much? Should I take a break or really stop and think about what I’m reading before I do?

I started thinking about it, though, and I have always somewhat applied the television I watch to my life. Or found weird comparisons. Or something along those lines.

Prepare yourselves, folks. This post is about to prove my geekiness and could potentially be TMI. (But not in a bad way.)

Dawson’s Creek
Apparently, I’m the Joey of the photo staff. That awkwardness was compounded when Pacey declared his feelings for me. And, a little less than a year later, it’s still horribly uncomfortable.

Roswell
Since my town didn’t have The WB, I had to wait until Dawson’s Creek showed at midnight on ABC. I had stayed up late and stumbled upon this show after DC. The first thing I realized was two of the main characters shared a last name with me and my crush. Was that a sign? No way, but apparently, he wants to date me now. Ten years later…

The O.C.
I was in college, and I would happily admit that I loved Seth Cohen. Boys like Seth didn’t exist at my school (or I just didn’t ever meet them.) However, I found the perfect studious, funny and handsome guy at the student newspaper, and I haven’t looked back, despite the fact that he will not listen to indie rock with me.C’est la vie.

Weeds
I once had a roommate who smoked a lot. He introduced me to the show. My allergies couldn’t deal with all the fumes, so I moved, and he still dislikes me to this day. I also want Mary Louise Parker’s hair. But other than that, that’s it. No other comparisons here.

Greek
I was a member of a Greek organization in college. I never hung out with fraternity guys because they were bad news. But I love this show, despite the fact that it’s either dead-on or horribly incorrect about everything in the Greek system. I’m a fan ofCappie and Casey, and I even got my mother addicted to this show. She asked me if the characters reminded me of people I knew in college, and I had to admit that they do, even after she pointed out that my boy’s fraternity was probably more like Evan’s than it wasCappie’s. That is OK, because the only guy who was anything like Cappie (carefree, fun, a party animal) in my own life? He turned out to be an asshole. And no one wants to associate with those.

So there you have it, folks. Are you completely freaked out by my nerdiness? Are you thinking I have entirely too much time on my hands? (You might be correct on this one, especially today since it is my Saturday.)

And, lastly, am I the only person who draws comparisons from television to their own life? … Please tell me I’m not.

                          

My weekend with the boy was absolutely perfect, and it made me sad when he headed out of town Sunday to our college town for a Mother’s Day lunch with his family and to settle into his new place. He has a clerkship there for the summer, and I am all too excited about him being only TWO HOURS AWAY.

This is a big deal, people. We are going from a 6+ hour drive to one that can be made for a weekend, and I plan on seeing him every chance I get.

Saturday night, we went to see State of Play at the one local theater. I wasn’t sure what to expect when the movie started, but I was quickly pulled into the storyline.

It’s the kind of movie that makes you want to give someone a high five and scream, “Eff yeah! That’s what I do!” even when the reality of the situation is I’m a newspaper photographer (not a writer), and we don’t pursue many in-depth reports because there are not enough people in the newsroom to pick up the slack. (We generally don’t have HUGE scandals fall into our laps often, either.) It’s a shame, but that’s the fact of the matter.

The movie was a reminder that what we, as journalists, do day in and day out has an impact. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s incredible to realize that you are an integral part of a community simply by what you write or photograph. As a friend told me a long time ago, we write the first draft of history. And it makes me so incredibly sad to see journalism suffering the way it is.

I don’t know where my job will take me, how long I can (or want to) stay in the industry with all the changes coming or if it’s too lofty a goal, but I still dream of being a documentary photojournalist, focusing on one project at a time and going in-depth with it. I don’t think there’s much of a market for it (even if you have a Pulitzer hanging in your office), but it’s worth a shot, and I WILL do my best to make it happen.

If nothing else, I can make a lot of significant, pretty photographs along the way.