Dear Stamp Makers for the USPS,

I’ve just finished up my save the dates, and I went in to one of your offices this past week to learn the ONLY postcard stamps you have? Are POLAR BEARS. And, while that’s all fine and dandy for some people, I’m sure, that is NOT OKAY for my save the dates. That I am sending out in JUNE. In the South.

I’m sure there is a reason for this, but I just went onto your Web site to possibly troubleshoot and see if there were ANY other postcard stamps available. There aren’t. (Though I can purchase numerous 10 cent stamps and piece them together on my postcards…)

Why isn’t there a variety for the postcard postage? God knows y’all have hundreds of other, regularly priced stamps to choose from.

Why polar bears? They’re beautiful creatures, yes, and I like them in a given circumstance, but they don’t really remind me of a wedding. In the South. In October. (Or any other time… unless you’re at the zoo. And that’s a major sad face altogether.)

What’s a girl to do?

Sincerely,
A confused, slightly annoyed bride

…

It’s looking like I will purchase a ridiculous amount of the 10 cent stamps since I don’t want to spend $120 on postcard postage from Zazzle (even though it’s freaking CUTE.) Because I have a budget. And that budget doesn’t include $120 for my save the date postage alone — it’s more like the total cost for printing, design and postage.

For the record, I know this isn’t a big deal. I know it isn’t the end of the world. But damnit, it’s really annoying to think you’re going to save some bucks on purchasing postcards for your save the dates and then to realize that — AFTER the postcards are in hand — that you’re either going to have to purchase polar bear stamps for something you are sending out NOW in the summer heat, piece random stamps together to send out the postcards or sign over an arm and a leg for customized postage.

Thoughts, friends?

                          

First off, I want to apologize for being such an emo kid this week. Y’all know I am normally not like this, but for whatever reason, this week has laughed at me, knocked me down and then kicked me in the shins for good measure. We all have weeks like this, but for whatever reason, I’m really, really struggling.

Three hours separate me from the weekend, and I cannot be more ready to run from this little town to home, where we will be spending the weekend on wedding planning! (Jazz fingers and sparkles!) I cannot wait. And I have a good feeling about the planning and sight seeing that will happen this weekend.

Has this week been rough for you, too? What are your weekend plans?

                          

Today was long. L-O-N-G. And really emotional.

Two teenagers from this area lost their lives in an accident this past weekend, and I spent my entire day documenting friends and family saying their goodbyes.

Funerals have always made me sad, even as a child. I feel awkward in my own skin, and I am at a loss for words.

I feel even more uncomfortable when I have two cameras strapped to my body at a funeral. Double the awkwardness. Add vicious states from guests and whispers behind my back about how I are so disrespectful for being there, and you’ve got the typical reception I get at a funeral.

I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want someone documenting my loss, either. But this is a part of my job, no matter how tough or uncomfortable it is, and I try to be as respectful and silent as possible whenever I cover a funeral. I’m not the kind of girl who will shove a wideangle in your face as you mourn. That’s just not my style, and I feel that is disrespectful.

We only attend funerals when the families are OK with us being there, but they are still so challenging.

While I received some of these glares and whispers, I was welcomed with open arms by one family. They told us stories about their son. They were happy we were there with them, and they were truly celebrating his life.

I know they were sad beyond belief, but it touched me that they went out of their way to make us feel comfortable. That doesn’t happen often, and it was a lovely surprise this morning.

I told my coworker as we drove to the funeral this morning that I hated covering funerals. I hate intruding on someone’s final goodbye, even if they approve of me being there. I hate being obligated (by work) to document their pain. And I hate how people make me feel about myself at them as they talk about me.

Today wasn’t an easy day, but I take solace in the fact that one family opened their arms and hearts to us. And for now, that is more than enough to erase the whispers, stares and dislike while I join everyone else in mourning the loss of two boys who had so much ahead of them in life.

                          

Judging from yesterday’s post and after some self-reflection, it’s obvious that yesterday was a rough day for me.

I hate being whiny, but we all have days like those. Right? Days where when it rains, it pours. And you never see them coming. No, no. Those suckers are tricky.

What I’ve learned yesterday?

Disorganization and a lack of communication stress me out.
(If you are disorganized, it’s OK. Really. I still love you. Just don’t come work with me, and then suck at communicating what you want me to do. I can deal with them separately, not together.)

Cars stalling out/dying in the middle of an intersection = awesome not good.
(Felicity is going into the sh0p tomorrow to get fixed. Because honestly? I freaked out when everyone was honking at me and flipping me off as I was stranded in the intersection. I may or may not have boo-hooed for about 10 minutes afterward. My boy is so patient and talked me down.)

Trailer hitches don’t feel so hot against shins.
(I willed myself not to cry in front of a handful of high school students after tripping over one and majorly hitting my shins. Luckily, nothing is broken, but I have a nice lump and bruise on both legs.)

…

It sucked, but at least it’s over, and today has been a much better day.

How was today for y’all?

                          

It boggles my mind how some people can be so terribly disorganized.

I am a planner and a list maker. I enjoy plotting out my day and exactly what I will be doing. When I leave my house for the day, I plan exactly where I need to go and in what order so I don’t waste gas or backtrack. When I go to the grocery store, I have a categorized list to help in choosing my food for the week.

I think about the future more than just one day in advance.

And I plan, plan, plan, even though I know some of these plans will be scrapped as their time draws closer.

I don’t understand disorganization, but doesn’t necessarily bother me as long as it doesn’t affect me. And it affects me way too often.

Surprise, surprise.

It’s official: I’m ready for Saturday.

                          

Today started off relatively early. It was going to be a busy day, and I was flying solo.

Everything went well until I parked my car on a one-way street this afternoon. I gathered my equipment, conveniently placed on the seat next to me, and prepared to walk a block or so for my assignment.

All was fine and dandy until I realized the man parked directly in front of me was throwing his truck in reverse, not looking and hitting the gas HARD.

I laid on the horn, but it was no use. My car shook after the impact. And then, the man did the most audacious thing someone could do in that situation…

I threw up my hands and scrambled out of the car as that man drove away, clearly not worried about the state of my car or my state of mind after ramming his ancient Chevy into the front end of Felicity, my Honda.

All I can do now is shake my head. But knowing my luck, the bumper will fall off within a week. And I didn’t think fast enough or clearly enough to write down the man’s license number to report him.

Argh.

What has aggravated you today?

                          

You know when you feel like things in your life are falling apart?

That’s how I feel right now.

I think I know what brought it on, and I am NOT happy about this development. I’m fighting, but it is so hard to feel productive and positive when negativity is continually directed at you.

Yes, I know I’m probably being dramatic here, but honestly? I think this was a long time coming. And as much as I am fighting this, it is so challenging NOT to be dragged down.

Things in my personal life are shaky. While I have a lot going for me, it doesn’t overshadow the fact that I’m losing friends. I never expected this, but it has been made clear through the actions of others. And, honestly, what can you do once someone has written you off? (Answer: You turn to your wonderful boyfriend, puppy dog, remaining friends and family and dwell, dwell, dwell until you figure out what to do, which is nothing because you don’t know how to touch this with a ten-foot pole.)

I know it could be a lot worse. I know I still have a lot of people who care about me and want the best for me. But it effing HURTS to lose someone, folks. And if you’ve never experienced that, I am truly envious.

Things at work? They’ve been better, and it is no one’s fault but my own. I’m struggling with creativity and turning exciting work. (Try shooting a football game when you don’t feel good about your skills. It’s really encouraging and fun, especially since a lot of sports work is luck, and you clearly don’t have much of it.) I’ve been doubting my abilities, and that is so aggravating because I DO GOOD WORK, AND I AM A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER.

I struggled with this in college, always around the end-of-semester critiques, and I thought I had overcome it. I hadn’t felt so down and out about my creativity in a long time. And then I got an e-mail this week, and everything changed.

I believe we all go through losses and struggles in life. We all come to a point in our lives, and we have to decide what is and isn’t worth our attention, though I never considered friendship something that could be tossed aside easily. And every once in a while, we have to doubt what we do to challenge ourselves and can find new strength and creativity in the realization.

I know it’s just a funk. I know it has to get better. And I hope it passes soon because I cannot deal with anything else falling apart on me.

                          

It all started with a check. A sizable check from a bride-to-be whose wedding I’m documenting. I happily deposited it into my account yesterday morning and was ecstatic to learn it would be in my account this morning.

Sure enough, it was there.

I went along on my way, running errands and squaring away everything before driving to work, where I immediately decided it was time to purchase my new camera body.

After a lot of “oohing” and “aahing,” and a discussion about insurance plans, MB held my hand as I clicked the ‘Purchase’ button on the Web site. I exhaled.

I edited a few photos, I answered some e-mails, and then, just as I was about to waltz out the door to my next assignment, I was hit by a wave of doubt.

… Was it necessary to almost clean out my savings account for the new camera?

… Did I really need the new camera? (After a long while, I decided that yes, I need it to advance my career.)

And then more doubts and questions started rolling in.

… What happens if I get laid off in two weeks?

… What if I get an awesome job and can move to a bigger city?

… How in the world COULD I move anytime soon? I have so much to do!

… What if I don’t get a job?

… Should I still move, even if I don’t have an employer?

… Where will I live?

… What will I do if I cannot feed myself or Lucy?

… What IN THE WORLD have I gotten myself into?

It spiraled out of control, and I took a good fifteen minutes to sit and BREATHE in the air conditioning of my car before photographing my assignment.

I’ve always been the one with a plan. I went to my college because I got an awesome deal on the education (AND the football team was top-notch, too.) I was going to be a graphic designer, but that fell through. I accidentally fell into photography, then PJ, and I have pursued that for the past four years. I landed not one, but two jobs before graduation and had my choice between two papers. I weighed the options, and here I am, a year later, freaking out about my future.

But this little breakdown? It’s been a long time coming.

I sometimes wonder if I’m living the way I need to be. I’ve planned everything out to this point so much that I wonder what I have missed and what is currently passing me by without my knowledge.

I live in a small town. I don’t have many friends, and the few from outside work have even more screwed up schedules than I do. I spend a lot of my time hanging out with my dog in my apartment, which is fine and dandy, but I want to be able to be social (outside of work) every once in a while. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends without worrying about one of our schedules canceling the outing or fearing she won’t call me back because of work.

I work a job that I thoroughly enjoy most of the time — something that I realize is a gift because many people work at jobs they loathe — but I’m ready for some different scenery. This has been a great starting place for me, but I want to be able to move to a bigger place and pursue my career and some ongoing projects.

Which leads right back to the today.

I know where I want to be in the long-run. I know what I want to be doing. But right now, I don’t have any means of getting there, and that is driving me crazy.

So what’s the plan?

Having faith and trusting that what is meant to be will work out. Applying for some more jobs. Attempting to spend time with my friends here despite our work schedules. Appreciating the time I have left in this little town, no matter how short or long it turns out to be. And taking deep, soothing breaths whenever I feel those doubts sneaking up again.