The typical reaction and open arms

by E.P. on November 4, 2009

Today was long. L-O-N-G. And really emotional.

Two teenagers from this area lost their lives in an accident this past weekend, and I spent my entire day documenting friends and family saying their goodbyes.

Funerals have always made me sad, even as a child. I feel awkward in my own skin, and I am at a loss for words.

I feel even more uncomfortable when I have two cameras strapped to my body at a funeral. Double the awkwardness. Add vicious states from guests and whispers behind my back about how I are so disrespectful for being there, and you’ve got the typical reception I get at a funeral.

I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want someone documenting my loss, either. But this is a part of my job, no matter how tough or uncomfortable it is, and I try to be as respectful and silent as possible whenever I cover a funeral. I’m not the kind of girl who will shove a wideangle in your face as you mourn. That’s just not my style, and I feel that is disrespectful.

We only attend funerals when the families are OK with us being there, but they are still so challenging.

While I received some of these glares and whispers, I was welcomed with open arms by one family. They told us stories about their son. They were happy we were there with them, and they were truly celebrating his life.

I know they were sad beyond belief, but it touched me that they went out of their way to make us feel comfortable. That doesn’t happen often, and it was a lovely surprise this morning.

I told my coworker as we drove to the funeral this morning that I hated covering funerals. I hate intruding on someone’s final goodbye, even if they approve of me being there. I hate being obligated (by work) to document their pain. And I hate how people make me feel about myself at them as they talk about me.

Today wasn’t an easy day, but I take solace in the fact that one family opened their arms and hearts to us. And for now, that is more than enough to erase the whispers, stares and dislike while I join everyone else in mourning the loss of two boys who had so much ahead of them in life.

{ 40 comments }

Kaci November 4, 2009 at 7:52 pm: Ugh. I can't even imagine covering a funeral. Can't. imagine. I feel for you.
Girl w/the Red Hair November 4, 2009 at 7:57 pm: I've never had to do it but a few of my friends in my journalism program have and I know it's a very sensitive, difficult issue.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do is interview and write a story about a man with a brain tumour who only has a couple years to live. I pretty much was on the verge of tears the entire interview I felt so bad for him.

That does sound like an incredibly emotional weekend though. I'm glad that the one family was so opening to you!
Elizabeth November 4, 2009 at 8:24 pm: I've never even thought about that part of your job. Wow–I fall apart at funerals, even when I didn't really know the person. You're so strong.
SoMi's Nilsa November 5, 2009 at 6:08 am: I think one of the most challenging things about being a journalist is covering the topics that are that personal. If you're able to respectfully turn something sad and horrific into a beautifully captured moment, then I think there's something to be said about that. Being empathetic to your subjects is really important and you clearly have that.
K.T. November 5, 2009 at 6:23 am: Man, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to cover funerals. While it is part of your job, I do understand how the family could think you're intruding.

I give you credit though – it takes a strong person to go out and do something like that without getting choked up (or maybe you do?) and not letting it affect your work product.

By the way, I saw your other photo blog and I have to admit, you take GORGEOUS photos!

xoxo
mandy November 5, 2009 at 7:29 am: It sounds like you had an amazing opportunity to help one family capture their loved ones memory. Thats what matters in the end. I cannot even imagine all the emotions that must go with that.
doniree November 5, 2009 at 7:38 am: Wow, that sounds really challenging, but I believe that your intentions are in the right spot and those that matter will recognize that. Pain and loss is as human an emotion as joy and celebration and both deserve acknowledgment, you know? It might seem as though it's a private, personal experience, but we've all experienced some sort of loss or suffering and it makes it just slightly less painful to realize you're not the only one that has hurt THIS much.
kimwithak November 5, 2009 at 8:01 am: Wow. That sounds like a very emotional and trying day. I'm glad it's over with for you.
Andrea November 5, 2009 at 8:00 pm: That's so, so sad. I write obits for a living, but it's so different. I never see the people I write about. I can't image it.
kylaroma November 6, 2009 at 6:52 am: <3 You are an amazing lady, and I'm sure you did an incredible job. I'm so sorry that this week was so hard for you.
steph anne November 7, 2009 at 11:20 pm: Wow, that must be hard especially with not being on the same page as them with their loss. I'm sure at the end of the day they do understand you're just doing your job and appreciate that.
ria November 8, 2009 at 1:37 pm: i would have a hard time dealing with all that too. big hugs for having to do that
AMinDinMoTown November 10, 2009 at 8:03 am: I sincerely wish I didn't know how you feel, but alas, I do. It's sadly part of this business. I, however, find more difficulty in calling someone to ask about their loss than anything else. As if they aren't already grieving and in pain, I call and compound the grief by asking them to talk about it. That's not always an easy task. It breaks my heart every time to know that I'm likely doing more damage than good with each comment I get.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:03 pm: It's rough. Consider yourself lucky for never having to cover one. :/
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm: It's really tough to cover things like that, and I always find myself tearing up during the service. Always.

That's so tough about your interview with the man who had a brain tumor. Stuff like that is really challenging to write, too.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm: I fall apart at funerals, too, which makes this part of my job so challenging. I don't think I'm necessarily strong, but I do what I have to do to get my work done without being in the way or insensitive. And then I mourn on my own.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:18 pm: You've hit the nail on the head, like always. The personal topics are always the most uncomfortable, challenging ones, but at the same time, those are the most rewarding, if that makes any sense. You learn a lot about yourself through those assignments.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:24 pm: I do get choked up a lot of the time. It's hard not to, even if I don't know the person, and I don't try to hide it even though I shoot through it. :/

Thanks so much! I'm glad you saw the photoblog and liked what you saw!
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:25 pm: I like the way you put that, and I like to think of it as that whenever I have to shoot a funeral. Luckily, one family was receptive even if the other wasn't.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:26 pm: I completely agree. We cover all ends of the spectrum at the newspaper, and I think a lot of people forget about that when it comes to personal tragedy. You've got a good point, though. Shooting the mourning and loss of some people may help someone else who sees that image. It may help me down the line.

… I'd never really thought of it that way before.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:26 pm: It really was, and I'm really glad it is done, too.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:27 pm: It really is sad. It's trying. I'm just thankful that I don't shoot funerals daily. Then I would really be a mess.

I cannot imagine writing obits for a living. How does that work out for you?
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:27 pm: Thanks, love. I needed to hear that. *hugs*
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:29 pm: I think that some people do. I think a lot of people who attend funerals don't, but they are the people who buy the newspaper the next day. So I don't know what that says…

It's tough, but it is an ugly part of my job, and I do what I can to shoot it with the best of my ability without prying.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:29 pm: Thanks, lady. I think a lot of people struggle with this, and I wonder about the people/photographers who don't.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 12:30 pm: It really is a sad part of this business, and it breaks my heart for you that you've had to do this, too. And to call someone to ask about their loss. I cannot even imagine doing that, and it hurts me for our reporters who have to do the same. :/ Major hugs.
AMinDinMoTown November 10, 2009 at 4:03 pm: I sincerely wish I didn't know how you feel, but alas, I do. It's sadly part of this business. I, however, find more difficulty in calling someone to ask about their loss than anything else. As if they aren't already grieving and in pain, I call and compound the grief by asking them to talk about it. That's not always an easy task. It breaks my heart every time to know that I'm likely doing more damage than good with each comment I get.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:03 pm: It's rough. Consider yourself lucky for never having to cover one. :/
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:16 pm: It's really tough to cover things like that, and I always find myself tearing up during the service. Always.

That's so tough about your interview with the man who had a brain tumor. Stuff like that is really challenging to write, too.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:17 pm: I fall apart at funerals, too, which makes this part of my job so challenging. I don't think I'm necessarily strong, but I do what I have to do to get my work done without being in the way or insensitive. And then I mourn on my own.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:18 pm: You've hit the nail on the head, like always. The personal topics are always the most uncomfortable, challenging ones, but at the same time, those are the most rewarding, if that makes any sense. You learn a lot about yourself through those assignments.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:24 pm: I do get choked up a lot of the time. It's hard not to, even if I don't know the person, and I don't try to hide it even though I shoot through it. :/

Thanks so much! I'm glad you saw the photoblog and liked what you saw!
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:25 pm: I like the way you put that, and I like to think of it as that whenever I have to shoot a funeral. Luckily, one family was receptive even if the other wasn't.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:26 pm: I completely agree. We cover all ends of the spectrum at the newspaper, and I think a lot of people forget about that when it comes to personal tragedy. You've got a good point, though. Shooting the mourning and loss of some people may help someone else who sees that image. It may help me down the line.

… I'd never really thought of it that way before.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:26 pm: It really was, and I'm really glad it is done, too.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:27 pm: It really is sad. It's trying. I'm just thankful that I don't shoot funerals daily. Then I would really be a mess.

I cannot imagine writing obits for a living. How does that work out for you?
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:27 pm: Thanks, love. I needed to hear that. *hugs*
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:29 pm: I think that some people do. I think a lot of people who attend funerals don't, but they are the people who buy the newspaper the next day. So I don't know what that says…

It's tough, but it is an ugly part of my job, and I do what I can to shoot it with the best of my ability without prying.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:29 pm: Thanks, lady. I think a lot of people struggle with this, and I wonder about the people/photographers who don't.
E.P. November 10, 2009 at 8:30 pm: It really is a sad part of this business, and it breaks my heart for you that you've had to do this, too. And to call someone to ask about their loss. I cannot even imagine doing that, and it hurts me for our reporters who have to do the same. :/ Major hugs.