A stirring in my soul

It all started with a check. A sizable check from a bride-to-be whose wedding I’m documenting. I happily deposited it into my account yesterday morning and was ecstatic to learn it would be in my account this morning.

Sure enough, it was there.

I went along on my way, running errands and squaring away everything before driving to work, where I immediately decided it was time to purchase my new camera body.

After a lot of “oohing” and “aahing,” and a discussion about insurance plans, MB held my hand as I clicked the ‘Purchase’ button on the Web site. I exhaled.

I edited a few photos, I answered some e-mails, and then, just as I was about to waltz out the door to my next assignment, I was hit by a wave of doubt.

… Was it necessary to almost clean out my savings account for the new camera?

… Did I really need the new camera? (After a long while, I decided that yes, I need it to advance my career.)

And then more doubts and questions started rolling in.

… What happens if I get laid off in two weeks?

… What if I get an awesome job and can move to a bigger city?

… How in the world COULD I move anytime soon? I have so much to do!

… What if I don’t get a job?

… Should I still move, even if I don’t have an employer?

… Where will I live?

… What will I do if I cannot feed myself or Lucy?

… What IN THE WORLD have I gotten myself into?

It spiraled out of control, and I took a good fifteen minutes to sit and BREATHE in the air conditioning of my car before photographing my assignment.

I’ve always been the one with a plan. I went to my college because I got an awesome deal on the education (AND the football team was top-notch, too.) I was going to be a graphic designer, but that fell through. I accidentally fell into photography, then PJ, and I have pursued that for the past four years. I landed not one, but two jobs before graduation and had my choice between two papers. I weighed the options, and here I am, a year later, freaking out about my future.

But this little breakdown? It’s been a long time coming.

I sometimes wonder if I’m living the way I need to be. I’ve planned everything out to this point so much that I wonder what I have missed and what is currently passing me by without my knowledge.

I live in a small town. I don’t have many friends, and the few from outside work have even more screwed up schedules than I do. I spend a lot of my time hanging out with my dog in my apartment, which is fine and dandy, but I want to be able to be social (outside of work) every once in a while. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends without worrying about one of our schedules canceling the outing or fearing she won’t call me back because of work.

I work a job that I thoroughly enjoy most of the time — something that I realize is a gift because many people work at jobs they loathe — but I’m ready for some different scenery. This has been a great starting place for me, but I want to be able to move to a bigger place and pursue my career and some ongoing projects.

Which leads right back to the today.

I know where I want to be in the long-run. I know what I want to be doing. But right now, I don’t have any means of getting there, and that is driving me crazy.

So what’s the plan?

Having faith and trusting that what is meant to be will work out. Applying for some more jobs. Attempting to spend time with my friends here despite our work schedules. Appreciating the time I have left in this little town, no matter how short or long it turns out to be. And taking deep, soothing breaths whenever I feel those doubts sneaking up again.