Yesterday was an interesting (in a not good) kind of day, but there were a few things that got me through.
What are thankful for this Thursday morning?
This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! More information can be found here.
Senior year of high school, I started blogging with a Deadjournal. After I graduated, I quit that blog and then started a Livejournal freshman year. I did the same again sophomore year (though I kept the LJ.) And then my (second) senior year, I started writing at Stylish Handwriting.
While I realize it’s probably not kosher to post from every one of these blogs, I had a fantastic time reading all my old blogs and thought I’d share. If nothing else, I promise you’ll get a laugh about some of the things I wrote.
Let’s look back, folks, and see what a long way I have come.
First off, from my very first online journal. This was written a few weeks after my parents separated. (Note: Most of this journal was dealing with the separation and my tumultuous senior year of high school.)
“life, or something like it…”
november 22, 2002today. wow. even though today was a friday, it dragged by. painfully. that’s the way to describe it. it’s like, every minute that passed was just kinda moving by. no, time did not fly today. perhaps it was because i wasn’t having fun? (even though the in-school wrestling match was… well, interesting.)
i hate tests, i must admit in total honesty. especially ones with 5 paragraph essays AND a question part. we don’t even have enough time to make the essay sound nice and we’re wanted to take a 50 question multiple choice thingy along with it. i mean, that’s just cruel. doncha think so?
so i’m talking to a friend right now and we’re talking about our days. and about how he’s always happy because life is too short not to be. i’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. i mean, life is full of pain, but there’s no reason why we shouldn’t smile and just enjoy our time here. we never know when it’s gonna end. and to tell you the truth, i don’t want to know when it’s gonna end. he made a good point and it reminds me of something another friend said last year, “life’s too short to be nervous” and leads me to my conclusion of, “life’s too short to have any regrets.” i haven’t been very good about any of these lately and i’m thankful they’ve been brought to my attention. yeah… carpe diem, my friends.
tonight is the first basketball game and i’m probably going to it (who knows?). i used to play for the girls’ varsity team and i am exhilarated because i am at home right now while they’re driving out to the boonies (yes, the game is about 45 miles away from here). i don’t miss the coach or not playing, but i miss my friends on the team. but its all good. every girl who has quit the wshs girls’ team in the past 4 years is playing on a rec team together and we’re gonna have so much fun. two of our guys are “coaching” us and at our first practice on wednesday, we beat a guy’s team. oh yeah. and for the first time in about two years as i walked into the gym, a sense of dread didn’t overcome me. and i had fun. real fun on the basketball court with my friends, not worrying about the next thing coach was going to make us do or bothering to do the 20 minute run or even running a few 16’s. yes, it was a good day and it will be a good season. we’re out to have fun and we are no longer playing basketball in hell.
and, on a closing note, today is the first day of the rest of my life. peace out.
Poetic, I know.
Let’s zoom to the freshman year of college. This was the first actual post after my obligatory, “I’m blogging again” entry.
“Last Night”
November 10, 2003I had an incredibly tough night. Things in my life definitely are not what one would consider ‘good,’ by any means or standards. I am just so confused and the circumstances make my heart ache every time a fleeting thought of them crosses my befuddled mind.
All that I am going to say is thank God for friends who will do anything to see you smile, watch The Emporer’s New Groove in the middle of the night just to hear you laugh, bake you two cookies (instead of the entire batch) and offer them to you when you’re on the phone outside then running back into the apartment before you can refuse their sugary goodness, offer to cook for you really late into the night, make you listen to country music to hear you whine and to convince you that ‘it’s not all that bad,’ give you massages when they don’t want to, want to learn about your life and how they can help you, let you sleep on their couch with no questions asked, and listen to what you say, offer some advice, then empathize with you, offering their shoulder for you to cry on. And so many more things that I can’t even begin to list…
I have such amazing friends. I honestly don’t know where I would be without them right now.
Maybe the college newspaper friends were right when they called me emo? (Even though I kinda make up for it by talking about my awesome friends. And even though this was written closely after the divorce was finalized.)
And then one of the first entries from the sophomore year Xanga.
“no title”
January 15, 2005after five and a half hours in the car, i’m finally back in baton rouge. i’m rather excited about this upcoming semester (i am officially a dork). my class schedule doesn’t seem to be too challenging (right now, at least) and i’m taking classes that i actually want to take, so that all helps.
i’m feeling… disoriented tonight and i can’t quite put my finger on it. while i know what it’s vaguely about, i don’t know why those feelings have swelled up right now. *shrugs* perhaps it has something to do with me being deleriously tired, having driven a long distance today, and not have gotten a good rest last night?
we went and saw in good company tonight. it was good, in a surprisingly different way. it didn’t turn out the way i thought it would and that was kind of refreshing. once again, though, i found myself mirrored somewhat in a screwed up movie character. … sensing a trend here, anyone?
“what you got?”
“i have a little bit of a buzz, too. … and i like you. so i have that. i guess i have that.”why can’t most people be this honest to each other? i hate how i’ve been under the horrible assumption that putting yourself out there gets you hurt. but then again, if you never put yourself out there, you’ll never know. … i can say that i’ve put myself out there, at least somewhat, and i did get hurt.
keeping in line with that, i stood up for myself tonight. i’m not particularly happy with one boy and i don’t particularly care about being nice because he wasn’t. chalk one up for me. ’cause this never, ever happens. yessssss.
back to square one. but really, this is a good thing. … love comes softly, though, and i have a feeling that it will surprise me whenever/if it does happen.
And the love thing? It totally did sneak into my life quietly. Good call, 20-year-old self!
Then we get back to StyHand. The following is my third post.
“Umm, excuse me?”
February 13, 2008A few weeks ago, I photographed at a music store on assignment.
When I went to ask a kid his name for the cutline, this conversation ensued:
ME: “Hey. Could you spell your name for me?
CHILD: “H-u-c-k-a-b-y.”
ME: “OK, thanks.”
CHILD: “Yeah, in case you were wondering, I’m kinda related to the guy running for president.”
ME: “Oh.”
… More than anything, I wanted to tell the boy to try and impress someone his own age. I also didn’t have the heart to tell him I think it’s crazy how many votes his ‘relative’ has garnered in the South, let alone my home state. Another point? The boy’s name is spelled differently, so he can’t really be that related to the candidate.
I also was tempted to come back with, “Well, in case you were wondering, I’m kinda related to Sarah Jessica Parker.”
Because we have the same hair, the same eyes, and… no, wait.
We just share a name. Hrm.
Aaaand that’s it, folks.
Have you looked back at your old entries recently? Do they make you laugh? Because I know mine do!
I’m tired of being frustrated and down and tired. So today, I’m focusing on the good.
What are you thankful for this weekend?
It all started with a check. A sizable check from a bride-to-be whose wedding I’m documenting. I happily deposited it into my account yesterday morning and was ecstatic to learn it would be in my account this morning.
Sure enough, it was there.
I went along on my way, running errands and squaring away everything before driving to work, where I immediately decided it was time to purchase my new camera body.
After a lot of “oohing” and “aahing,” and a discussion about insurance plans, MB held my hand as I clicked the ‘Purchase’ button on the Web site. I exhaled.
I edited a few photos, I answered some e-mails, and then, just as I was about to waltz out the door to my next assignment, I was hit by a wave of doubt.
… Was it necessary to almost clean out my savings account for the new camera?
… Did I really need the new camera? (After a long while, I decided that yes, I need it to advance my career.)
And then more doubts and questions started rolling in.
… What happens if I get laid off in two weeks?
… What if I get an awesome job and can move to a bigger city?
… How in the world COULD I move anytime soon? I have so much to do!
… What if I don’t get a job?
… Should I still move, even if I don’t have an employer?
… Where will I live?
… What will I do if I cannot feed myself or Lucy?
… What IN THE WORLD have I gotten myself into?
It spiraled out of control, and I took a good fifteen minutes to sit and BREATHE in the air conditioning of my car before photographing my assignment.
I’ve always been the one with a plan. I went to my college because I got an awesome deal on the education (AND the football team was top-notch, too.) I was going to be a graphic designer, but that fell through. I accidentally fell into photography, then PJ, and I have pursued that for the past four years. I landed not one, but two jobs before graduation and had my choice between two papers. I weighed the options, and here I am, a year later, freaking out about my future.
But this little breakdown? It’s been a long time coming.
I sometimes wonder if I’m living the way I need to be. I’ve planned everything out to this point so much that I wonder what I have missed and what is currently passing me by without my knowledge.
I live in a small town. I don’t have many friends, and the few from outside work have even more screwed up schedules than I do. I spend a lot of my time hanging out with my dog in my apartment, which is fine and dandy, but I want to be able to be social (outside of work) every once in a while. I want to be able to go out with my girlfriends without worrying about one of our schedules canceling the outing or fearing she won’t call me back because of work.
I work a job that I thoroughly enjoy most of the time — something that I realize is a gift because many people work at jobs they loathe — but I’m ready for some different scenery. This has been a great starting place for me, but I want to be able to move to a bigger place and pursue my career and some ongoing projects.
Which leads right back to the today.
I know where I want to be in the long-run. I know what I want to be doing. But right now, I don’t have any means of getting there, and that is driving me crazy.
So what’s the plan?
Having faith and trusting that what is meant to be will work out. Applying for some more jobs. Attempting to spend time with my friends here despite our work schedules. Appreciating the time I have left in this little town, no matter how short or long it turns out to be. And taking deep, soothing breaths whenever I feel those doubts sneaking up again.
Last Thursday, I awoke from one of the strangest dreams I had in a while.
(For the record, I totally blame this dream on me re-reading the second Southern Vampire series book in celebration of True Blood’s new season, and then waking up to think aboutcutlines and how ones from the previous day could potentially be incorrect because of twins.)
I was playing baseball with some players on a local team. And Miley Cyrus. (Y’all know I am NOT a baseball fan, or really a Miley fan, either.) It was cloudy outside, and I was happily playing first base. It was just like the good ‘ol days, minus the fancy pants baseball players who actually knew what they were doing.
The sun started to peek its way out from the clouds, and I was grabbed by two players and dragged into a shed. There, they explained I was now a vampire, and I couldn’t go out in the sunshine. I had questions about what happened, and they had no clue, but they were vampires as well, and we had to stay in the shed until the sun went back behind the clouds or it was night. They also mentioned thatMiley was also a vampire. She didn’t come into the shed, and we heard her screaming from the field minutes later.
So what did these two guys and I do? Get your minds out of the gutter, folks. We chatted. About life, about my fear of baseballs, about everything. Then, one of them looked me in the eye and told me I needed to get laid. Umm, what?! I shrugged it off awkwardly and asked about my boy. They didn’t have any information, so I decided to brave the elements to find him.
The last scene of my dream was one of the guys saying, “No, E.P!” and then I woke up.
What’s up with that, folks?
As someone who lives by herself in a small town, I read a lot of books and watch a lot of television. Are they influencing me too much? Should I take a break or really stop and think about what I’m reading before I do?
I started thinking about it, though, and I have always somewhat applied the television I watch to my life. Or found weird comparisons. Or something along those lines.
Prepare yourselves, folks. This post is about to prove my geekiness and could potentially be TMI. (But not in a bad way.)
Dawson’s Creek
Apparently, I’m the Joey of the photo staff. That awkwardness was compounded when Pacey declared his feelings for me. And, a little less than a year later, it’s still horribly uncomfortable.
Roswell
Since my town didn’t have The WB, I had to wait until Dawson’s Creek showed at midnight on ABC. I had stayed up late and stumbled upon this show after DC. The first thing I realized was two of the main characters shared a last name with me and my crush. Was that a sign? No way, but apparently, he wants to date me now. Ten years later…
The O.C.
I was in college, and I would happily admit that I loved Seth Cohen. Boys like Seth didn’t exist at my school (or I just didn’t ever meet them.) However, I found the perfect studious, funny and handsome guy at the student newspaper, and I haven’t looked back, despite the fact that he will not listen to indie rock with me.C’est la vie.
Weeds
I once had a roommate who smoked a lot. He introduced me to the show. My allergies couldn’t deal with all the fumes, so I moved, and he still dislikes me to this day. I also want Mary Louise Parker’s hair. But other than that, that’s it. No other comparisons here.
Greek
I was a member of a Greek organization in college. I never hung out with fraternity guys because they were bad news. But I love this show, despite the fact that it’s either dead-on or horribly incorrect about everything in the Greek system. I’m a fan ofCappie and Casey, and I even got my mother addicted to this show. She asked me if the characters reminded me of people I knew in college, and I had to admit that they do, even after she pointed out that my boy’s fraternity was probably more like Evan’s than it wasCappie’s. That is OK, because the only guy who was anything like Cappie (carefree, fun, a party animal) in my own life? He turned out to be an asshole. And no one wants to associate with those.
So there you have it, folks. Are you completely freaked out by my nerdiness? Are you thinking I have entirely too much time on my hands? (You might be correct on this one, especially today since it is my Saturday.)
And, lastly, am I the only person who draws comparisons from television to their own life? … Please tell me I’m not.
You'll never guess which one I am. (Hint: It was 1989, my bathing suit is awesome, and I had a bowl cut.)
Dad,
I know we’ve had some rocky times since high school, but despite that, you have always cheered me on, no matter what I was doing.
You’re the guy who taught me how to play basketball and coached my team for years before I went on to play junior and high school basketball. You bought me my first guitar, and, unbeknownst to me, sat outside my bedroom and listened to me play and sing for hours. You taught me the technical terms of multiple plants before I could read, and I would impress other adults talking about the landscaping. And you sat through hours of violin concerts and filmed them to document LL’s and my progress.
You supported (and financed) my painting habit through high school and shifted over to photography when I was in college. You even picked up your camera again, and I love the geeky conversations we share about apertures, different lenses and photography, in general.
I always know you are looking at my work, even if you don’t say so. You always ask about my day whenever we talk and listen through all the useless information I tell you. And you even told me my senior pictures looked good. (For the record, we both know that was a lie.)
Know that I’m thinking of you today and the memories we have shared together over the years. I wish I could have been in Memphis today to hang out.
Much love,
E.P. (and your grandpup)
Over the past week, I’ve received a lot of interesting Twitter follower requests.
The first one that was a little odd?
Apparently, I tweet about my horrible allergies so much that AllergiesInfo wants to be my friend? Do they need a poster child or something? FAIL.
And then I got the following request yesterday…
Horny Hottie? Seriously? Who does that? Do I LOOK like a person who wants to be following someone who calls themselves a horny hottie? No, no, no.
Colossal FAIL.
These Twitter spammers, they’re getting interesting, folks.
Stylish friends,
This is Lucy Belle. I’ve hijacked my mother’s computer to get your help. Mmhmm. Soak that in. This fabulous pup is asking for YOUR help.
(You should feel honored, btw.)
As some of you know, my mother is horribly indecisive. I’m not, but since she hasn’t taught me to speak just yet (even though I can type, ha!), I cannot express my opinions. And believe me, I have MANY. About the repairmen, the neighbors, that paper bag on the kitchen table that makes a scary noise. About pretty much everything.
But anyway, for Christmas, Mom got me a stylish necklace set. But since she’s horribly indecisive and a broke journalist, she never got around to getting me a charm to hang on the necklace.
Sure, my purple and gold ‘Geaux Tigers!’ collar has a shiny gold bone, but I need a pendant for this collar since I wear it everyday but game days.
We have narrowed them down to the following:
via lovebarklee
via makeyourdogsmile
via makeyourdogsmile
via PoochyCouture
via anandi
via BragAboutIt
If you were me, which charm would you wear with pride as you trot around your home?
Tell my mom. She really needs your help.
Snuggles and slobbery kisses,
Lucy Belle
ME: “I wish I could teach Lucy how to vaccum up all her hair because it’s obnoxious.”
MY BOY: “…”
ME: “You know the allergist said I need to vacuum once a day? It’d probably be more manageable if I did it, but vacuuming still sucks. I wish she could clean up after herself. Or iron my clothes.”
MY BOY: “I wish we would teach Lucy how to talk so we could finally know what’s going through her crazy little head.”
As some of you know, I spent the last few days in Vegas and got to hang out with some pretty amazing people. Needless to say, it was wonderful.
I walked through the front door of my apartment at 11 a.m. yesterday, and I’ve been struggling with the lack of sleep ever since, but I wanted to share some of the most important things I learned while in Sin City…
As I sit here and reminisce about the trip, it’s hard for me to believe it was real because it feels like time sped up for the weekend.
All that I know is that I am so happy I was able to make the trip happen and even happier to really get to know so many new friends. My words cannot do it justice. And I seriously cannot wait for the next time we (plus more friends!) converge in the same place because it will be just as, if not more, amazing.
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